even though i’ve always known that cockroaches freak me out, i only realized today that i actually have a phobia of them. i saw one in the sink and i tried to spray it with a jet of water, but to no avail. it continued to withstand the stream and scuttled mightily away. thankfully, my sink is pretty deep, so i had many opportunities to spray it downwards. i called out to my mom to kill it, but she was preoccupied with something else. as the cockroach refused to be swept away, i grew increasingly frantic and i started sobbing.
by the time my mom came, i had already killed it, but i was still crying and choking with fear. as the offending cockroach was no longer in sight, i gradually calmed down.
even though we keep our house clean, we’ve had a cockroach infestation for a while now. they’re not everywhere - generally only in the kitchen -, but they pop up with an alarming frequency when i least expect it. i might open a drawer or a cabinet and i’ll see one creeping along an edge. other insects don’t faze me, for the most part; i barely react to them, and i wouldn’t be too perturbed if i had to brush one out of my hair. cockroaches, on the other hand, trigger intense emotions of loathing and block out rational thought.
thankfully, i haven’t seen any in my room ever, but i don’t know why they’d restrict themselves to only one area of our house. why do we even have cockroaches? is this just a new york thing? i read an SHSAT passage on cockroaches last year and i now have disgusting facts about cockroaches seared into my memory. i know that they can live without food or water for months, and that a pregnant cockroach can spawn a truly horrifying number of progeny. i don’t want to think about how many live here with me.
i generally just try to pretend that they don’t exist until one appears to threaten that illusion, but i can comfortably settle back into denial after i dispose of it. i do dream of living in a cockroach-free home one day, though.